Comfort Food

When we first met, and we would go hiking regularly
John and I when we first met, and we would go hiking regularly

when we met

I was a size 12

you were fit

on our first date

we could barely eat

our stomachs filled

with butterflies

now those butterflies

have flown away

we talk all night

we laugh, we cry

we fix each other food

and we don’t miss any meals

our love has grown

and so have our stomachs

our thighs

my hips

your arms

we get winded

when we go to the gym

we count carbs, calories

we run further

we sweat together

the pounds don’t melt

I stay voluptuous

you are soft

but I like you that way

because we are comfortable

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years now. I have struggled with my weight all of my life. I’m not obese, but I’m definitely overweight. John was once homeless in Arizona, where he ate very little and was underweight. He also suffers from body dysmorphic disorder where he sees himself as pretty much a monster. I don’t see this. I think that no matter what he looks like, he is beautiful and I will always love him. He has expressed to me how unhappy he is with his weight now. We have been working on it by working out and eating better,  but after we both got off work tonight we broke down and ordered pizza because neither of us felt like cooking. Now I’m feeling disgusting and unhappy with myself, which is where this poem came from. 

John and I as of last October, with Maria Bamford
John and I as of last October, with Maria Bamford

4 thoughts on “Comfort Food”

  1. Even though your poem was inspired by the negative feelings of “cheating” on your health plan it reflects the honest beauty of love growing stronger and more beautiful. I think half of the challenge is not beating ourselves up when we decide to have a pizza. We should not consider it cheating. We should not feel guilt about it. Some days you just deserve a F’g pizza. Just not regularly. 🙂 I usually ask myself, “What do you want more, to eat that donut or lose weight?” And then I answer that question for myself without judging myself, feeling guilt or shame. Judging, feeling guilt or shame, they do us no favors.

    Okay, I have to leave your blog for tonight. I am commenting too much. I guess your writing touches me… so you’ve found yourself a new follower. I will try not to be such a pest as I am tonight!


  2. be what you are
    see what you see
    life is for living
    not just what we eat

    take a moment smile each day
    dont care what others think or what they say
    be your natural self and enjoy each day

    life is for living
    get out and play

    dont let your weight be a worry
    enjoy your life each day


  3. We appear to be in similar situations. Though my partner and I have not been together as long as you and John, we both recently felt down about ourselves, and have started working out together! Some days are better than others, and we’ve certainly had some horrible days (Fast food for all meals). But one day isn’t the end of the all hard work you’ve already put in!
    I wish you and John the best of luck in your journey!


  4. Beautiful poem.
    I think it’s great that you’re supporting your boyfriend, even though he doesn’t see himself that way. Don’t give up hope though! One of the most rewarding feelings for me is to feel good about myself and proud of myself. And I think you can get there. Pizza is my kryptonite as well, and I know how awful that feeling of regret is. But that’s not the end! This can be the beginning of your journey. You can be the change you want to see. I wish you all the best!


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