a little sunday night (or monday morning) nostalgia

I find it hard to find inspiration to write these days. Or perhaps it’s hard for me to find the time. It’s not like there is a lack of events in my life. Perhaps I’m focusing my thoughts on them instead of creatively.

I have spent the last twenty minutes of my life looking at the Facebook pages of a few people from my high school that I was on the verge of deleting after I saw that it was the birthday of one person that I never particularly liked. One thing lead to another, I wished him happy birthday, which I’m pretty sure is the first real contact I’ve ever had with this person ever, and I deleted him as a friend. This got me thinking about some of his friends and I decided to look some of them up. One girl who was always quiet in school is now a writer of short fiction and is living in Boston. Another is an engineer married to a doctor who just spent her summer on vacation touring the Philippians, South Korea, and China. Someone else had died three years ago overseas and I just found out. This shoots a pang through my heart because although I only partied with him when we were eighteen or younger, I still wish that I would have known about it when it happened and I have just been living the last three years not knowing he was dead. Life is strange.

In other news my younger sister is pregnant. She told me about it about two months ago and I have been moody about it to say the least. Our family is really mad about it because they are all close-minded Catholics that believe that it is a sin to not be married and have a child, and they fully expected her to get married to him. In a previous post I have talked about how they were technically “engaged” for a time then they broke up, and like many toxic couples before them, they got back together. Shortly after this downward spiral on the emotional rollercoaster that is my sister, they found out Sarah was pregnant. She told me first which was good. I think I took it alright, all I said was “that….sucks…” but since it has sank in a little I am starting to get a little excited about having a little niece or nephew and I am determined to be the cool aunt. After this last week though, I might have to be more than that. On Tuesday night when I was at work Sarah texted me asking to be picked up from the hospital at 1:30am. I picked her up and she explained to me that her boyfriend had gotten in a drunken fight with his brother outside of their apartment. There were neighbors who tried to restrain him and Sarah locked the door with the chain but he broke it open, breaking the door in the process. Sarah was yelling at him to stop and he got so angry that he through her against the wall and punched her in the side. When the cops arrived and tried to restrain him, he apparently fought back pretty hard because one of his charges is assault on an officer. The cop punched him when he was trying to restrain J, knocking some of his teeth out. So now J is sitting in Jail for the next week or so, until his trial, the baby is OK still, and Sarah filed a restraining order. Hopefully she doesn’t go back to him. This is not the first time he showed his anger towards Sarah and they are tied to each other now, through this baby. I don’t know how she is going to survive, much less take care of someone else. If she thinks her life is hard now, she has no idea. I just have to try to be a supportive sister even though I don’t agree with how she is living her life, and it is no use telling her anything anymore. She ill just do whatever she wants to do no matter what. Stubborn Sarah is what everyone in the family calls her. I look back five years: before the baby, before Jeffery, back when she didn’t even like guys and she identified as a lesbian. I know gender is fluid but I found it easier to picture Sarah liking women than men. Jeffery was her first boyfriend and he treated her like shit. I guess we’ll just see whats to come. She has always had a tough life, but she hasn’t seen anything yet.


countdown to moving day! 6 days!

Now thats we’re less than a week away from moving to a house, I am really starting to stress out. Especially because I wake up at like, 2pm every day and forget to get things done that I need done. We have yet to start packing but I have gone around and thrown away a lot of stuff that I don’t see myself needing.

Yesterday the Cape Girardeau Roller Girls put on a fund raiser for the Humane Society where they washed dogs at a local dog boutique for $20. Tiki is good and clean right now but she is shedding up a storm because it is just how pugs are.

Tiki getting her bath on

I am just ready to get the next 7 days over with so that I can be moved and all of the pressure of moving will be gone.

I haven’t felt the motivation to work on my writing and poetry because of the stress.

I am thinking that now that my bar is open until 1 am every night, I might start making drink instructional videos at night when I don’t have guests.

John and I have been doing the couch to 5k thing. We are on week 2. We are about to go running right now I’m just waiting for my phone to charge a little. We go running at 2-4 am so that there is no one else and also so that it isn’t so hot.

I’ll probably be inspired to write again here soon, I just have a serious mental block from stress. Its hard for me to even finish my school work. Luckily one of my online classes has all of the answers for all of the tests online.

I thought I would have more time to write right now but John decided that he wanted to go running RIGHT NOW. So until next time


Stressing out

Still trying to get a new place to live nailed down. I am currently extremely stressed out about it because we have to be moved out by two weeks from now and we don’t definitely have a place locked in. There is one place that we would definitely like to have, but there is some competition for the place because it is so nice. I am also currently in another summer class about how people become literate. As interesting as this class is, I don’t really have time right now to fully immerse myself in the class. On top of this, my laptop is currently being repaired so I am on my boyfriends computer right now. The good thing about his computer is that it has two monitors so I am currently writing this while I am watching a lecture for the class.

This weekend was fun I guess. I worked on Friday night until close although we were slow. Saturday was Independence Day so I bought a few fireworks and beers and just chilled out with my friend Steven, my boyfriend John, my roommate Phil and his new girlfriend Jessie. Speaking of, I never thought I would see the day when Phil got a girlfriend. Not that he isn’t a super nice and great guy, but he is kind of weird and Jessie seems really nice. Phil is moving with us into this next place so we shall see how his relationship pans out. I’m totally rooting for him.

This video about “how the brain learns to read” is kind of boring. I never did very well in the neuroscience chapters in my classes, All I can focus on is that this guy pronounces “characters” like “ker-ak-turs”

Anyway, brief blog because I’m doing homework but writing never fails to help me vent out my stress.

Also, I finally reached 100 followers! I have gained followers on here faster than I ever did in the 5 years I was on Tumblr. Woo!


“Well today was fun” I say as I drink my fifth glass of wine

After going to class and working on my group project for my Group Communication class, I got off work and did absolutely nothing for a few hours.After this I proceeded to have my ear talked off by my little sister, about I don’t even know what. It was perhaps one of the more uncomfortable times I’ve had in a long time. Its not that I don’t love my sister, because I do. She just doesn’t know when to stop talking. And it would be different if it was about something interesting. But it is about herself, and nothing else. Every single thing that I said, she would relate it back to herself somehow. She is incredibly narcissistic, and I hate narcissism.(I say, as I write a blog about my life)

She just stresses me out. I know that she isn’t telling me all of these things for me to feel sorry for her, because that isn’t like her. I know that she is strong and self sufficient.She just has weird problems For example, she and her boyfriend recently broke up. Apparently they are still living together, but she tells me that they aren’t together anymore. All of her bills are in his name, but he may be moving to Ohio soon to be with his baby mama that he didn’t even know he had before last year, and the kid is almost four years old. Oh and he wreaked her car a few weeks ago. And when he wreaked it, he didn’t have a license. Also, he got fired for not being able to get a ride to work after this. At the time, my sister was working at Pizza Hut(with John) as a delivery driver. They were cross training her at the time in other jobs at the store because she wasn’t a good fit for driving, but she didn’t want to do anything else at Pizza Hut but drive so she quit. She told our grandparents that she was fired because she didn’t have a car, but this is untrue. This is just a small example of what I deal with. I can tell when she isn’t telling me the truth, but she insists on lying to me anyway. I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m ignorant. Turns out I’m not, she just doesn’t let me talk enough to call her out on her bullshit, but I’m getting better at that. I am a very good judge of character, and while I am empathetic in nature, I can generally see bullshit a mile away.

After coming home and sitting on my butt for a few more  hours, I decided that it was time to go through my storage closet and throw away old boxes of junk finally. I got rid of about four boxes of things. I organized the glass containers I use to make candles, and this made me want to make candles again. I have been making candles almost every week for my job, as it is beneficial for both the restaurant that I work for and myself to make these candles. They are just unscented candles so literally all I do is heat up the old glass containers to get the old wax out, recycle this wax into the fresh wax, pour this wax back into the glass containers, and put a wick in them. The only thing is that it can be a bit time consuming as I have to clean the containers from where I might spill a little wax while pouring. I use my heat gun for this part, and usually set up a TV episode on my laptop or an episode of Radiolab and zone out.

After cleaning and organizing the glass containers that I have in my closet for candles to sell, I organized my scented oils This is going to make it easier for when I want to make candles to sell. Before, they were all in a jumble. Now they are in plastic bags.

I am back on the Keto diet again, I will probably give more details about my diet later, I need to organize my thoughts first. I have given up sweet tea, my biggest vice of the moment. I gave up smoking cigarettes a few weeks ago. I’m on a “controlling myself” kick.

I watched the documentary “Love Me” on Netflix today. Its about men who buy mail order brides from Ukraine. It was eye opening because when I think of mail order brides, I think of gold diggers who are just wanting men for their money, and when I think of the men who buy them, I think of skeezy greasy men with gold chains who want trophy wives that can’t talk back to them. This documentary showed me that many of the woman who participate in this are older women who are looking for a husband to have a family, since there are many more women than men in these countries. The documentary did show that there are some women who are participating in a scam to lure men in to give them money. Many of the men who order mail order brides are just men who have never been in a serious relationship and are socially awkward. They go to these countries and are adored by women, like they never have been in the US. Its actually all kind of sad.

Its the end of the month so I have to work my ass off to earn money for rent. I need to work on getting my finances in order next. I also need to work on selling my candles to earn some extra cash. Here is a picture of some of my new ones that I made recently, “Basil and Herb”. They smelled amazing and I can definitely see myself making more. They had a wooden wick so they crackle when they are lit. wpid-20150402_141839.jpg